Terry F. Buss
Updated : 07/25/2014 10:41 GMT + 7
Riders stop their motorbikes and bicyles on a zebra crossing
Rule 1. As a pedestrian, never look drivers in the eye
and never smile. Not only does this cause the driver to lose
concentration, but it can also be interpreted as a challenge, in this
case presumably to the death. It also means you’re likely afraid:
drivers, like tigers, can smell your fear.
Rule 2. For the beginning crosswalk experience, try to
find a child or elderly person to walk with. All Vietnamese children
are cute, so no one is likely to run them down. Elderly people are the
best choice though: if they’ve survived crossing the street for years
and are still alive, they must know something. Do not force the young or
the old to cross with you as Vietnamese frown on this behaviour. There
is nothing worse than an irate grannie.
Rule 3. Try waiting around until a large group of
people are about to cross the street. At best, a driver can flatten five
or six people in a group, but not all. So the larger the group, the
better your odds of success before crossing.
Rule 4. Sometimes, as you wait to cross, you might see
a fallen tree branch or telephone pole. If you hold this aggressively
beside you when you cross, it can deter drivers who would not otherwise
stop. Of course, it is very likely that a driver will become agitated
and chase you on the sidewalk for revenge.
Rule 5. If you find yourself standing on the curb for
more than an hour unable to cross, try this: close your eyes and step
off the curb. This works well a surprising amount of the time.
Rule 6. Do not assume that traffic actually stops at
traffic lights. When a light turns red, there will be at least 50 to 100
motorbikes and an occasional taxi or two that will continue through the
red light. When motorbikes or taxis are stopped at a red light, never
assume they will remain that way: the front row of bikes or cars will
try to shoot across an intersection trying to gain the advantage.
Unfortunately, by the time you’ve waited for the stragglers and early
starters to clear, your green light will have turned red.
Rule 7. Do not assume that traffic lanes and dividers
separate drivers into oncoming and outgoing lanes, especially at
intersections. Traffic lanes are merely suggestions. This can be
confusing when every driver is headed in the same direction on a
two-lane street.
Rule 8. There is no such thing as a pedestrian crosswalk. If you think you see one, it’s a mirage.
Rule 9. Do not assume that sidewalks are for
pedestrians only. They are actually an alternative roadway for
motorbikes. They are also motorbike parking lots. The real sidewalks are
actually the street. You can see where this might get complicated.
Rule 10. Never step out in front of a motorbike that
is heavily damaged. The driver will be someone who clearly does not know
the rules of the road or is unskilled, or is a tourist who thinks he’s
back in Sydney. Likewise, never step out in front of a teenager
especially one who is not wearing a helmet. This person has a death
wish.
Rule 11. Understand the unofficial points system.
Drivers accumulate points for running over different kinds of people.
Children and the elderly are worth the fewest points, because this is
just not sporting. Hitting someone in uniform is worth a lot more
points: these people are not to be messed with but if a driver is lucky
enough to score a hit and get away, he will be admired. Running over
college students achieves very high scores, especially if the driver can
hit several at a time. This is because college students are very wiry
and agile, something like trying to catch fish in the ocean by hand. Of
course the most points go for tourists, not because they are difficult
to run down, but because they are funny especially in groups. Drivers
find some joy in watching them scatter like chickens or freeze in the
middle of the street unable to move. Annually drivers with the highest
scores are awarded trophies for their efforts.
Rule 12. Never bend over to pick up a coin on the
street. Every child around will beat you to it no matter how far away
they are, and you will get a rather unpleasant introduction to a
motorbike tire up the backside.
Golden Rule. On a serious note, if you can’t remember
the rules above, remember this: your health depends mostly on
understanding your adversaries. Motorbikes are actually the easiest.
They can bob and weave and avoid just about anything, including a
tourist. It is not unusual to see a motorbike laden with 100 chickens or
a refrigerator expertly negotiate the traffic. Automobiles are much
more problematic. They cannot swerve to avoid hitting you, as at any
given time cars are surrounded by hundreds of motorbikes whose
handlebars are literally touching the car’s sides as it drives. This is
why all cars in Vietnam have mysterious dents along their sides. Anyway,
as cars are faced with flattening one pedestrian or derailing a hundred
motorbikes, the tourist loses every time. City buses and trucks are the
very worse. They cannot swerve to avoid pedestrians, and they require
thousands of meters to stop. Some believe that bus drivers may actually
like to crush tourists as a way to relieve boredom or have a little fun.
So, don’t be a chicken. Get out there and cross the street!
(http://tuoitrenews.vn/city-diary/21217/rules-for-crossing-the-street-in-vietnams-major-cities)
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